the ex

I was standing outside our house this morning for Jeolo's morning dose of sunlight, when I noticed that the sari-sari store next to our house is named after one of my hubby's exes… *Grin*. And it got me to thinking… Why do we all make such a big deal about the ex? We’ve all been someone’s ex at one time or another. We’ve experienced detesting our significant other’s ex and we’ve gone through being loathed for being the ex. But what's all the fuss really about?

Personally, there‘ve been two times in my life that I‘ve ever had to tackle the "ex" thing. The first instance, the guy & I were great friends. Even after we broke up and got into other relationships, we constantly kept in touch. One day, his GF texted me out of the blue, introducing herself and all. In fairness, she wasn’t nasty to me or anything. She wanted to be friends which, to me, was a good idea. I was working abroad that time & she began to write me letters. Soon she was asking me for advice on how to deal with him every time they fought. None of my friends believed that I was doing all that with sincerity but I was. I didn’t have any hang-ups with that particular guy because we’d broken up so cleanly and I was also with someone else already. About a year after that, they got married and I made the decision to cut all communication with them. Not because I was hurt but because I knew, despite her befriending me, I’d always be an issue. She'd said one time that she was trying so hard to learn to understand him the way I understood him so that he could open up to her the way he could with me. I guess I wanted them to start their life together without me lurking in the background.

The second one’s a bit more complicated. He was also my friend first and already involved with someone (who was possessive, paranoid and, forgive me, desperate). He broke up with her so we could get together. But since our situation overseas made it difficult to have a normal set-up, things didn't work out and we went back to being just friends. And they got back together again. But she hated me with a passion especially since my ex refused to end his friendship with me. Even after I resigned and went back home, she did everything to make him stop communicating with me… like constantly deleting my phone number from his cell, confiscating his SIM card, throwing away stuff I’d given him or he’d borrowed from me. She was a real psycho. For heaven’s sake… I was thousands of miles away and living my own life! I think if she hadn’t been so controlling and jealous, they would have had a chance of making it. Maybe. But they didn’t.

After the hubby and I got engaged then married, there were a few times that we argued about exes. Like me, my hubby has stayed friends with a few of them, too. But while I made the choice to cut off contact with those men to prevent it from becoming a problem, he expected to carry on as before. Now, I understand that some of them were his friends before he even met me and I’m cool with that. However, I believe it’s merely showing your spouse respect not to go out of your way to keep in touch with them. I won't go berserk if they happen to bump into each other somewhere or that he, at least, gives me a heads-up first if their paths are bound to cross or have crossed. I say put yourself in your partner's shoes and see how it feels from that perspective. The hubby gets that now so it's a non-issue already.

And to answer my question at the start of this post, I think a large part of our attitudes regarding our better-half’s formers depends on how secure we feel with our partners. If our husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend gives us no reason to doubt how much they love us, how much they value and respect the relationship we have with them, the dreaded ex wouldn’t be such a nightmare. And speaking as an ex, “they” wouldn’t think so horribly of us if we didn't act like lovelorn b****es (or SOB's) towards our exes especially if they're already with someone else. We should never long for anyone from our past because there’s a reason why they never made it to our future.

Wouldn’t it be nicer if we could all just be friends? :o)