When it rains

Have I ever mentioned how much I love rainy days? I think it stems from having such good memories associated with it since childhood. Memories of playing under the rain with other neighborhood kids, and walking home from school with my friends, drenched and happy.

Rainy days also make me thoughtful and quiet. I have this favorite poem that kind of sums up the thoughts running through my head on this dark, rainy afternoon in Zamboanga.

When It Rains

by Ryan Kathman

Flintlock Spring 2000

"What reason weaves, by passion is undone." - Alexander Pope

We all pick our noses

And it's gross.

The key is,

To be spotted the least,

Rarely chided,

And often washed.

We say the things we wanted to say,

Ten minutes later, when we're in the car,

Pounding the steering wheel -

Like that'll help.

Unless the car is the Delorian from

"Back to the future"-

Which is unlikely.

We all wish we could trade lives with our pets

Once in a while.

Because sleeping where the sun hits best

And licking oneself in public

Are joys we will seldom know.

We weigh ourselves down

with the girth of our gods,

The depth of our demons,

And the mesmerizing and lonesome

Space of ceiling just above our beds.

We are not who we want to be

Nor who we hoped to be,

But we laugh out loud in empty rooms

And stare into the bathroom mirror,

To practice thanking the academy.

We are fickle, funny, and profoundly strange.

Accomplishing little, sacrificing less.

Aware of mortality, yet daring to be fat.

Desperately wanting to get over ourselves,

But secretly hoping for someone who never will.

And as I sit at this stoplight, in this classroom, in this restaurant,

With gentle rain crashing to the sidewalk outside,

Thinking of people, listening to people,

Watching stories brush by my face like a silent storm, 

I realize I probably don't love my parents enough

And I have no idea why.

And I believe none of us has any idea what the hell we're doing here.

But we don't seem to go away. And we smile briefly at one another.

And we are all a little quieter when it rains.

Mood Music: Rainy Day, Dream Away by Jimi Hendrix

Read More

No day like today

While attending the wake of my FIL last week, I had the chance to observe how members of the family, as well as those who came to pay their respects, dealt with Papa's passing and realized that these last rites are more about the living than the dead.

Yes, wakes are organized to honor the person who passed on but I now see it more as an opportunity for family and friends to have a venue to grieve, to reminisce, to comfort each other for their loss. For some, it's a way of trying to make up for any perceived shortcomings they may have had towards the deceased in order to help ease the burden of their guilt.

Having witnessed all that has made me resolve to do my best to show the people I care about how much I love them and value them while they're still alive. We may fight, disagree and hurt each other sometimes but I want them to know, in no uncertain terms, that they are loved and respected.

I need to make every day count.


Mood Music: An Original Man by The Yardbirds

Read More

Until we meet again

"All Is Well" by Henry Scott Holland

We all knew that Papa's time with us was limited once he was diagnosed with stage 3 liver cancer last February but none of us were prepared to suddenly lose him without warning last Sunday, September 23. He actually "survived" until Tuesday but it was only through the aid of medications and a ventilator but the husbo and I knew he wasn't really there anymore. The family just needed Papa to hold on until J arrived from overseas so he could say his goodbye.

For the seven years that I was blessed to know Papa, I saw a man who loved his family above everyone and everything else except God. I never saw him angry nor heard him say anything bad about anyone. He was jolly, quirky, makulit, generous and kindhearted. He loved food. He never stopped dreaming. And his faith in our Lord never wavered.

I am crying as I'm writing this. I'm crying for the loss of someone I came to love dearly and to respect immensely. I'm crying for my husband who has lost his wonderful, loving father; for my mother-in-law who has lost her love and lifetime partner; for my boys who will never truly know one of the men I would've wanted them to emulate when they grow up, and whose love would've helped shelter, strengthen and comfort them through life.

To borrow words from Jimi Hendrix's The Story of Life:

The story of life
is quicker than
the wink of an eye,
The story of love
is hello and goodbye,
Until we meet again.

See you on the other side, Papa. We love you. <3


Mood Music: The End of the End by Paul McCartney

Read More

Reawakening

My blog has lain dormant for some time now. I've tried posting occasionally but I couldn't find the inspiration to sustain it. Anyway, here's another attempt and I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep it up this time.

Where do I start? Well, you must have gathered from reading my last few posts that I was pretty furious at someone. All I can say about that is that you're very lucky if you've been blessed not only with a wonderful husband but also with siblings-in-law who don't resent you. I have not been as fortunate and although it saddens me, I've also decided that I will move on from it. I will not waste my time trying to get along with an almost middle-aged brat.

Moving on, I'm busy getting ready for my boys' birthdays this coming week. We'd originally planned to have a major kiddie party for both of them but an unexpected incident happened, which I'll blog about separately, that made it very impractical for us to push through with our initial plans. Instead, I'll be preparing a simple spread for Jeolo here at home with only our family in attendance then a small thanksgiving lunch with close friends and family for Liam's first birthday.

I also recently took the IELTS again after 10 years and passed it with flying colors, hehe. An opportunity has come up and I'm hoping that it's finally the one I've been waiting for for so long. While the majority of my nursing colleagues have always dreamt of finding, and many have found, their greener pastures in the USA, my dream since I was in sixth grade has been to migrate to the Land Down Under. Maybe I should just click my ruby slippers instead.

Wait.. where the heck are my ruby slippers anyway? :d

Mood Music: Get Up Offa That Thing by James Brown

Read More

You live, you learn.

A long time ago, a good friend told me that my unwavering loyalty would turn out to become one of my greatest virtues but also the source of my biggest downfalls in life. He was SO right.

WhileI would fight, literally and figuratively, to the death for someone I love (family or dearest friends), I probably shouldn't expect the same from them. Everyone handles things differently and I shouldn't forget that.

Still, knowing that doesn't make the realization that I sometimes need to fight alone any less disappointing and painful.

Read More

Caught up again

When I wrote I'd be back in a few, I hadn't really planned for it to mean "in a few DAYS" but I got caught up again with so many things that had to be dealt with first. Anyway, let me just give you a brief rundown of the last six months that I've been away from my blog:

Me. I've finished a year of graduate school already, yippee! That's 18 units down and 24 to go (I think, hehe!). Don't ask me how I managed because I have no idea how.

My battle with my post pregnancy weight has been a rollercoaster ride. I lose, I gain then lose again and so on. What's worse is that my ortho doctor has banned me from doing any jogging/running for now because of my back. I guess I'll have give more emphasis on my diet - low carb, low fat, high protein. Bummer.

My boys. Jeolo finished his first year of school, yay! They didn't have any grad rites because the school admin thinks the entire celebration would be lost on the kids. They said only the parents would derive some satisfaction from it and I actually agreed with them. I can be so unsentimental sometimes. I do celebrate the advances Jeolo has made. He can now write his full name and nickname, color within the lines and in one direction, recite poems, sing songs, dance, do simple addition, subtraction and understand the concept of fractions. He constantly surprises me with how much he's grown.

Liam's seven months old now and drooling like a leaky fire hydrant. He loves being around a lot of people and is so much more even-tempered than Jeolo was at his age. He still can't crawl but compensates by rolling like a log (he resembles one, too). He totally adores his kuya and I can't wait to see the two of them play and fight together.

Husbo's coming home next month so the boys and I will be off to QC to see him. His homecoming isn't as joyous as it should be because my FIL is in the middle of a health crisis and it has all of us stressed and saddened. We're staying positive though.

Oops, have to skedaddle because Kuya's asking me to play with him. The perks of being a mom. :D

Mood Music: Awful Beautiful Life

Read More

keeping you posted

I know, I know... it's been weeks and weeks since my last update. Let me fill you in then on what's been going on in my life since we got back.

Husbo Blues. A month after we left Riyadh, J came home for a quick visit. Initially, he was only supposed to get a week's leave but his colleagues were nice enough to let him "borrow" their days off at work and he was able to stretch his leave to two weeks. 

We spent week one by going out every day even if it was only to the mall or grocery. I'd put off buying Jeolo's school stuff so we could get everything together. At least, even if J wouldn't be here for our baby's first day in school, he did get to shop with us and share in the excitement somehow. Unfortunately, Jeolo came down with the flu at the beginning of the husbo's second week and we ended up staying at home for the rest of his brief vacation. Saying goodbye again was hard but we comforted ourselves with the thought that he'd be back again this September.

My Pregnancy. I'm currently on my 27th week now and have gained about 15 lbs total. I had an ultrasound when I was 21 weeks where I found out we were having another boy. Initially, I felt a little disappointed because I'd been hoping for a girl but then I quickly got over it and went back to being very excited about the coming addition to our family. We've already begun preparing for his arrival and the husbo has also gone a wee overboard in purchasing some stuff, hehe. 

I expect to deliver our little angel around the first week of September.

Little J. Our baby started Nursery last week, yippee! I'm so glad that he's had a very regular sleeping routine since he was about a year-and-a-half old because I've had no problems getting him to wake up in the mornings. He's also been quite cooperative in getting ready and having an early breakfast, thank goodness.

In school though, as we expected, he's having a hard time staying put in his seat for longer than 10 minutes. And he thinks everything's still a game. He loves participating but doesn't know how to wait for his turn. I'm not worried though because I know he'll eventually settle in. Beginning tomorrow, parents won't be allowed to hang around anymore. We're only to bring them to school then come back to fetch them at dismissal. I'm hoping that Jeolo and I will be able to skip the whole crying-for-mama thing when I leave him. Wish us luck! :D

Me. I enrolled in graduate school again.

When I was fresh out of college, I immediately went for a Masters in Nursing degree with a major in Psychiatry. Unfortunately, after a year, I couldn't keep up with school work while also being employed as a nurse at the same time so I gave it up. This time, I chose to take up Master of Arts in Nursing with a major in Nursing Management. It's a thesis course but it will enable me to shift from bedside nursing to the administrative side when I'm done. Admin nursing pays better and I'll only have to work the morning shift which is ideal for a mommy like me. With God's will, I'll be able to graduate after two or two-and-a-half years.

For now, I was only allowed to take two subjects since I'm pregnant but I plan to catch up during the second semester. I'll be having classes every Wednesdays and Thursdays from 5:30 to 8:30 in the evening and our first meeting will be held this week. I'm both excited and nervous since I've been out of school for 15 years already.

That's about it for now, I guess. I do hope this means I've got my blogging mojo back because I have missed it terribly. I'll also try to do some blog-hopping later on and visit some friends. :)

Mood Music: Guess I'm Doin' Fine by Bob Dylan

Read More

far and away

It's been over a week since Jeolo and I left Riyadh and it's been pretty rough all around. All I can say is that unless you're part of a family where one or both parents work abroad while leaving the wife/husband and kids behind in their home country, you will never know the depth of the pain, sacrifice and strength it takes to be able to live life apart from one another.

On our first night back in the Philippines, Jeolo and I had to sleep over at an aunt's house because our niece in our house in Tandang Sora had just contracted chicken pox. And since I've never had it and Jeolo hasn't been vaccinated yet, there was no way we could risk exposure especially with my pregnant state. J even banned his parents from visiting us because he was afraid they'd carry the  virus along with them. We only saw my bro-in-law, Jon, who fetched us from the airport and helped me rebook our tickets for our flight to Zamboanga to the following day. We were supposed to stay in QC for a few days so we could rest a bit and gather our bearings but the husbo thought it best that we went home to my parents as soon as possible.

That night, Jeolo and I cried ourselves to sleep. I'd initially thought I was all cried out because I'd been bawling for nearly two weeks prior to our return to the Philippines but when Jeolo began calling for Dada to come home and make "tabi", I completely lost it. Our little boy cried for about 15 minutes before he finally drifted off to sleep while I kept at it until I mercifully fell asleep out of exhaustion at past midnight.

It's been an extremely difficult week emotionally for all of us. At least I have Jeolo and "baby tummy" to comfort me while J has had to deal with the silence of an empty room and the remnants of stuff we left behind. I'm extremely grateful though for the leaps in technology because despite the physical distance, we're able to talk constantly through Skype and Viber on our phones. It's not the same as being in the same room together but it beats the hell out of long distance calls, voice tapes and snail mail. I'm also consoled by the fact that he'll be flying home on the last week of May to stay for a few days. We'll be together for our anniversary, yay! :D And he's already requested for a split leave in September so he can be here with me when I give birth. :L

With God's grace and blessing, our projected two years temporary separation will whiz by and our family will be together again. For good.

Dada, we love you and miss you beyond words! 

Mood Music: Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine

Read More

bye-bye nappies!

When Jeolo hit the age of two, I started worrying about toilet-training him. I felt a little pressure from well-meaning family and friends who'd point out how their own kids stopped wearing diapers by the time they became toddlers. I decided to do some research to get some tips on how to go about the entire potty-training business and was relieved to find several articles such as this from BabyCenter which put my mind to ease. I followed the advice to wait until I felt he was ready.

After we came back from vacation last January, I gave it another go. I'd already noticed that he'd sleep through the night without wetting his nappy and would only pee into it once he got up in the morning. He'd also get up and stand quietly in a corner whenever he was going to poop during the day and would sometimes even tell me. So, on our first day of training, I made him wear cotton briefs and asked him to tell me if he wanted to pee. I'd already made him observe for a few months how his Dada would pee so I wouldn't have to teach him how to "point-and-shoot" when the time came. And, guess what? He did!

On our second day, I asked him to let me know if he wanted to poop but our first three attempts during the day were unsuccessful because he didn't have the patience to sit for long on the toilet. On our fourth try, I brought a chair with me into the bathroom and told him I'd hold his hand while we waited for his poopoo to plop. We sat in there for nearly 20 minutes before I finally heard that magical sound. We had done it!

Since then, we've only had about five "accidents" where he peed into his pants and mostly because was too engrossed playing that he delayed going till the very last minute. There was even one time that he was running to the toilet while peeing all over the floor. :r

This chapter in my little boy's life has merely enforced my realization that I shouldn't hold him up to other people's standards. Every child moves at his own pace and when the time is right for him to achieve a certain milestone, he will. :)

Mood Music: Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship

Read More

Forty-two.

There are only forty-two days left before Jeolo and I fly home to the Philippines and leave the husbo in Riyadh. We decided that I'd have our baby back in Zamboanga and that we wanted Jeolo to start school there. And to make most of our stay, I'll also be finishing my Masters in Nursing degree.

I'm looking forward to being home and spending time with my parents, to being the mom of a preschool child and a new baby, and to becoming a student again. It's going to be a challenge but that's going to be the least of it for me. The thing that's going to be the most challenging is having to do all that while having J far away from us.

I've been acting cool and collected this whole time but as the day of our flight draws nearer, the thought of being temporarily separated from the husbo is agonizing. 

I know that we'll both manage somehow because we always do with every obstacle that comes our way. I'm just going to miss him so much. :c

Mood Music: Get To Me by Train

Read More

Heaven blessed... again

As it always happens every time we go for our vacation, I fail to update my blog despite the promise I make to myself to do so. Virtual cobwebs have accumulated in the corners because of my absence. ;)

We've been back in Riyadh for a week now but I've been feeling kind of homesick. I couldn't bring myself to write about our holiday yet. Then something happened yesterday that snapped me out of my gloom.

We hadn't exactly been actively trying to get pregnant despite our decision that we were ready to have another baby some time last year. Our attitude was more like if it happens then it happens... and it did! :D

What a wonderful blessing to start off our year. Thank you, Lord.

Mood Music:  Capri by Colbie Caillat

Read More

Captain of my soul

Rely on your own strength of body and soul. Take for your star self-reliance, faith, honesty and industry. Don't take too much advice — keep at the helm and steer your own ship, and remember that the great art of commanding is to take a fair share of the work. Fire above the mark you intend to hit. Energy, invincible determination with the right motive, are the levers that move the world.

~ Noah Porter

Mood Music: Don't Stop Me Now by Queen

Read More

keeping things on the up & up

I would like to believe that I'm an optimistic person. I try to see things through rose-colored glasses. It doesn't mean I'm always perky and happy but wallowing is something I'd rather not do. And I don't like burdening other people with my misery either.

The time between July 2008 and June 2009 wasn't a very good one for me. My hands were full with taking care of Jeolo, I was stuck in the house almost 24/7 and I was going nearly insane from boredom. When I later read back my blog posts from that period, I realized how whiny and depressed I sounded. Even when I tried to be positive, there was no ring of sincerity there. I decided to delete most of them because I didn't like the way they weighed me down.

Thankfully, I was able to sort myself out eventually. I still have my downtimes but now I just let it out, get done with the drama and move on.

It's so easy to vent our feelings or share our opinions to a large audience via Facebook, Twitter, Plurk and other social networks, these days. It's heartening to read words of comfort, support, agreement or have a healthy discussion with friends whom we know in real life or online. But my sympathy can turn to annoyance in a matter of days if that friend's woes continue to show up in my timeline several times a day every day. I also balk from people who react negatively to everything. They're like positive-energy vampires who try to suck the sunshine from me and I don't want that in my life.

Keeping a sanguine attitude and surrounding myself with people who give off good vibes has proven to be one of my best defenses against the blues. It definitely makes me a happier person all around and, to my husbo's relief, an easier person to live with. ;)

"We have no more right to put our discordant states of mind into the lives of those around us and rob them of their sunshine and brightness than we have to enter their houses and steal their silverware." - from the movie Holiday (1938)

Mood Music: How You Live (Turn Up the Music) by Point of Grace

Read More

raring to go

I miss working. I miss interacting with other medical professionals, taking care of patients, learning and honing my skills. I miss being a nurse.

I'm lucky that I've been able to have the luxury of taking care of our child, seeing him grow and learn every day. No amount of salary can compensate for any of those moments in any way. I'm also blessed to have a husband who spoils me and who tries to satisfy most of my whims. We're lucky that he earns enough to support us comfortably and provide us with extra indulgences as well.

But I've also always said that I'm not cut out to be a full-time housewife. I crave for those feelings of independence, fulfillment and self-confidence that having a job used to give me. I don't enjoy being totally financially dependent on my husband. The Lord forbid something happens to him, I don't want to be left lost and incapable of supporting myself and our son. It's a morbid thought, I know, but not unrealistic.

I've already applied for a position at the hospital where I used to work, and where J works, but the very unreliable person at the HR department lost my papers. And she only admitted it to us after we waited for more than a year of numerous follow-ups. They're supposedly trying to solve the problem but I'm so frustrated because I've lost nearly two more years of my professional life waiting for it. I'm ready to move on but since I haven't practiced in nearly four years, I'm going to have a hard time getting hired by another hospital. xo

I'm not sure what our next step will be. J and I are still discussing it, trying to find a way to solve this particular problem. I'm optimistic though that we'll figure something out eventually with God's guidance. For now, I'm going to drown my frustration in a bowl of mac and cheese.


Mood Music: Fix You by Coldplay

Read More

sick leave

I wish I could have taken one today.

I got my period around late morning and with it came my customary bout of dysmenorrhea. Then, after I woke up from a nap after noon, my head started throbbing and I felt like my right eye was going to pop out with each spasm. On top of that, my son was being particularly hyperactive and pigheaded; my warnings and reprimands fell on deaf ears. I felt a scream building up inside me the entire time but I kept swallowing it back, knowing that it wouldn't do any good.

I shared my frustration on Plurk and, in response, a friend gave me a virtual hug. That did it. Without any warning, the dam burst and I found myself sobbing quietly. I felt sad that I didn't have any close friends that I could run to and talk to. I felt trapped because I didn't have the luxury of going out by myself and disappearing for an hour or two. And, I felt horribly guilty for being mad and frustrated at Jeolo because I knew it wasn't his fault. He didn't know mommy was having a bad day and that she needed a break. He was merely being the playful toddler that he was except that today, the combination of physical and mental stress was something I wasn't able to  handle very well. So, I cried.

Thankfully, my loving sidekick suggested that I grab the laptop and isolate myself for a while in Jeolo's play room so I could get some alone time. I was hesitant at first because I knew he needed to sleep but since I couldn't keep the waterworks in check, I did as he suggested. I was able to spend nearly two hours in relative silence.

My headache and dysmenorrhea are almost gone now and my son is finally asleep. I'll end this day with the hope and prayer that I'll be back to my normal self in the morning, ready to take on the world.

Mood Music: Everybody Hurts by REM

Read More

an ordinary day

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.

One day, I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

Mood Music: Sunset Soon Forgotten by Iron and Wine

Read More

getting ready

Okay, since we decided to finally try and have another baby, it's high time for me to start cleaning up my act. I haven't been eating very healthy the past year nor have I been exercising regularly and it's time to change that.

When I was pregnant with Jeolo, I was on a low-sodium, low-sugar, low-fat, high-fiber diet. I planned my meals properly, making sure I was taking in enough vegetables, the right amount of fish and meat, and snacked on fruits. When I was too lazy to actually eat fruits, I made them into smoothies and drank them instead.

And before we even found out that I was preggers, I made my husband promise to not give in whenever I craved for chips, soda or chocolate; not even if I'd get mad at him or threw a tantrum or cried. And he really did stick to his promise and I hated him for it sometimes. Grrr! I was very thankful for this later though because I barely experienced getting a swollen nose or swollen feet and fingers. Even up to the time I gave birth, my wedding ring still fit. Only my feet got a little bigger because after I went home on my 7th month, I kind of caved in to my cravings and J wasn't there to stop me.

Another good thing is that I'm not a coffee-drinker or a smoker because the stress of having to give them up on top of a diet and exercise overhaul would probably be quite stressful. And since neither smoking nor caffeine is very helpful in conceiving, those who are into them should start weaning themselves as early as possible.

If I was able to do all that then, I know I can do it again. The only thing I need to do more of is exercise. I wasn't able to do as much of it as I should have and that will definitely have to change. Add to that prayers, a happy and positive disposition plus a supportive husband then I'm all set. Bring it on, baby!


Mood Music: Blessed by Elton John

Read More

a new chapter in the offing

Since last year, friends and family have been asking us when we'd have another baby. We didn't feel quite ready yet for many reasons. But, after some serious discussion this week, plus the fact that I'm almost in my mid-30's, we've finally decided to try and get pregnant again. I was the most hesitant because I've been wanting to go back to work and I was still working on losing a bit more weight but we came up with a few compromises which are:

• going back to school to finish my Master's degree in Nursing
• work as a part-time Clinical Instructor while I'm studying
• J will pay for my gym membership post-partum, hehe!
• a car so I can be mobile and independent while we're back home

Jeolo will be old enough to go to nursery school next year and husbo prefers that he goes to school back home. And if we will be blessed with another pregnancy, I want to give birth in Zamboanga because my mom's there.

The great big downside to all this is that Jeolo and I will have to leave J behind and the thought makes me very sad. He's also having a hard time imagining life without us with him but it's a sacrifice we have to make for now. Being an adult is no fun sometimes. :-(

Anyway, I pray that everything will fall into place somehow and that I'll soon be gushing about a coming addition to our family.

Mood Music: A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke

Read More

thinking happy thoughts

I've never been the most patient person in the world. It takes a great amount of willpower for me to stay calm and in control when all I really want to do is snap at someone or break something. And it can get really exhausting to have to keep my emotions in check.

And it's during those moments that I try to think of the good stuff, of the things that can make me smile. Here are a few that crossed my mind today when my little energy vampire tested the limits of my frail patience.

Image Credit

Soft rain. A bar of dark chocolate. Quiet moments. Green mangoes with bagoong. Sweet, seedless grapes. A good movie. Mark Ruffalo. "I luff yooouu!" from Jeolo. A kiss from J. Mac and cheese. Freshly changed sheets. A good run on the treadmill. Leveling up on my current favorite game. A clean house. The smell of Jeolo's armpits. A trip to the bookstore. J's signature beef dish. Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 in D minor, Opus 125. 


Mood Music: Ode to Joy

Read More

an invitation

A good friend shared with me this beautiful poem by Oriah from her book The Invitation and I would like, in turn, to share it with you.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments. 

Reading this made me examine my feelings, attitudes and convictions in relation to life and to others. And I realized that I may not have lived exactly the way I wanted to but I have lived the best way I could and tomorrow, I can strive to live the way I should.

Mood Music: Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Read More