Imperfectly perfect at SEVEN

J and I are celebrating our seventh year of marriage today. We both can't help but be amazed at how the years seem to have whizzed by. :L

It hasn't been a picture perfect relationship but we have been able to take whatever life has thrown at us so far. We've been blessed with two beautiful kids and a love that has enabled us to stay committed to our marriage and to each other.

As I look at where we are now in our lives as a couple, lines from Ani DiFranco's song Imperfectly keeps playing in my head:

We get a little further from perfection
Each year on the road,
I guess that's what they call character,
I guess that's just the way it goes... 

And I know that it's not all
It's made out to be
Let's show them how it's done
Let's do it all imperfectly.

We've gotten past the starry-eyed naiveté typical of newlyweds and have plunged headlong into a life where plans continue to change or fall apart, of expectations that haven't been or aren't met but which sometimes turn out for the better, and of dreams that we have sacrificed or are letting go of because we realize that life is no longer all about our individual selves.

But you know what's the best part of it all? It's knowing that it's better to go through all these ups and downs of marriage with my best friend by my side and believing that together we can take whatever else is going to come our way.

Happy Anniversary, Dadoo. I love you. <3


Mood Music: Imperfectly by Ani DiFranco

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To the man I'm growing old with

It's my husbo's birthday today. Unfortunately, we have to spend it apart again this year. It makes me sad but I want to make an effort and celebrate him. I usually try to avoid public displays of affection but I decided to break the rule and have a go at it. 


Hey, Sweetie.

It's your birthday but I feel that I'm the one who's received the best gift ever. YOU.

In the 6 years that we've been together (ten if we count the roller-coaster years), I have come to see, appreciate and experience the kind of person that you are. And I'd like to highlight 36 of the countless wonderful reasons why I love you beyond measure and beyond time.

1. You love me unconditionally.
2. You have the cutest dimples.
3. You love your parents.
4. You love my parents.
5. You are very forgiving.
6. You're a whole lot nicer than I am and it balances things out perfectly.
7. You think I'm hot whether I'm a size 6 or a size 12.
8. You have a smile that lights up a room.
9. You're always willing to help people.
10. You work hard.
11. Despite what some may say, it doesn't bother you to do the laundry for us.
12. You always smell absolutely delicious.
13. You're generous to a fault.
14. You change diapers.
15. Your innate sweetness has been passed on to our boys. I'm sooooo lucky!
16. You're confident.
17. You have the kind of street smarts that I wish I possessed.
18. You're willing to reflect and learn from your mistakes.
19. You make me laugh harder than anyone can.
20. You hold me tight when I cry.
21. You're not too proud to say you're sorry.
22. You supported me, and have kept supporting me, through periods of growth and discovery even when you weren't sure of the outcome.
23. You are sexy. ;D
24. You have the patience of a saint not only with me but also with our boys.
25. Even when people sometimes try to take advantage of you, you don't allow it to embitter you.
26. You may not be one for planning grand surprises but you still manage to surprise me anyway.
27. You actually listen to me.
28. You're a great friend. I hope your friends realize how blessed they are.
29. You cook me my favorite dishes.
30. You've started making your health a top priority.
31. You keep proving to me that I married the right man without even trying.
32. You're man enough to admit that you enjoy watching teleseryes, hehe.
33. You take care of us.
34. You make the kids and I feel safe.
35. You are an exemplary son and brother.
36. You love the Lord.

You're my heart and soul. My rock. The one I choose not to live without because you make my life better by just being in it.

May the Lord continue to guide you, take care of you, bless you with wisdom, courage, strength and at least 5 more decades of a wonderful life with us. I love you.


Mood Music: Grow Old With Me by John Lennon

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far and away

It's been over a week since Jeolo and I left Riyadh and it's been pretty rough all around. All I can say is that unless you're part of a family where one or both parents work abroad while leaving the wife/husband and kids behind in their home country, you will never know the depth of the pain, sacrifice and strength it takes to be able to live life apart from one another.

On our first night back in the Philippines, Jeolo and I had to sleep over at an aunt's house because our niece in our house in Tandang Sora had just contracted chicken pox. And since I've never had it and Jeolo hasn't been vaccinated yet, there was no way we could risk exposure especially with my pregnant state. J even banned his parents from visiting us because he was afraid they'd carry the  virus along with them. We only saw my bro-in-law, Jon, who fetched us from the airport and helped me rebook our tickets for our flight to Zamboanga to the following day. We were supposed to stay in QC for a few days so we could rest a bit and gather our bearings but the husbo thought it best that we went home to my parents as soon as possible.

That night, Jeolo and I cried ourselves to sleep. I'd initially thought I was all cried out because I'd been bawling for nearly two weeks prior to our return to the Philippines but when Jeolo began calling for Dada to come home and make "tabi", I completely lost it. Our little boy cried for about 15 minutes before he finally drifted off to sleep while I kept at it until I mercifully fell asleep out of exhaustion at past midnight.

It's been an extremely difficult week emotionally for all of us. At least I have Jeolo and "baby tummy" to comfort me while J has had to deal with the silence of an empty room and the remnants of stuff we left behind. I'm extremely grateful though for the leaps in technology because despite the physical distance, we're able to talk constantly through Skype and Viber on our phones. It's not the same as being in the same room together but it beats the hell out of long distance calls, voice tapes and snail mail. I'm also consoled by the fact that he'll be flying home on the last week of May to stay for a few days. We'll be together for our anniversary, yay! :D And he's already requested for a split leave in September so he can be here with me when I give birth. :L

With God's grace and blessing, our projected two years temporary separation will whiz by and our family will be together again. For good.

Dada, we love you and miss you beyond words! 

Mood Music: Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine

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Forty-two.

There are only forty-two days left before Jeolo and I fly home to the Philippines and leave the husbo in Riyadh. We decided that I'd have our baby back in Zamboanga and that we wanted Jeolo to start school there. And to make most of our stay, I'll also be finishing my Masters in Nursing degree.

I'm looking forward to being home and spending time with my parents, to being the mom of a preschool child and a new baby, and to becoming a student again. It's going to be a challenge but that's going to be the least of it for me. The thing that's going to be the most challenging is having to do all that while having J far away from us.

I've been acting cool and collected this whole time but as the day of our flight draws nearer, the thought of being temporarily separated from the husbo is agonizing. 

I know that we'll both manage somehow because we always do with every obstacle that comes our way. I'm just going to miss him so much. :c

Mood Music: Get To Me by Train

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happily (n)ever after

I find it very saddening each time I hear of the end of someone's marriage. This year alone, several of my old classmates from both high school and college have separated from their spouses. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to realize that what they thought was forever ended up lasting less than a decade.

It also makes me a little scared. I knew some of these couples when they were still very happy and giddy with love. What went wrong? What happened to make one or both of them give up on their marriage? When did they decide that enough was enough?

Aside from love, I know marriage entails a lot of work, a strong sense of commitment to each other and to the relationship, mutual respect, acceptance and compromise to make it last. I hope to God that no matter what comes our way, the husbo and I will never grow tired of loving each other, of forgiving each other, of forging ahead after every setback and in believing that we're in this for keeps.

Mood Music: Let's Stay Together by Al Green

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quattro

We celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary two days ago and I feel very blessed and grateful for another beautiful year being married to a wonderful man.

J has never been one for grand gestures and well thought-out surprises and I've pretty much gotten used to it already. I knew he was going to get me flowers and a gift. I'd previously mentioned to him that I wanted a new pair of earrings that I could wear every day and I sort of figured that he'd be getting me that.

To my delight, he surprised me with a white 32 GB iPhone 3GS. I had been bitten by the iPhone bug after my sister acquired one recently but I didn't push for him to buy me one yet. I also wanted to see how the 4G was going to fare after it's released this month or next month.

But I'm very, very happy with my new gadget! :) I've spent the past 2 days fiddling with it even though the 32GB of space does daunt me a little. What on earth am I going to fill it up with?! I've no intention of downloading applications I'll barely use, I'm not big on games (I only have four games installed right now) and the songs that were previously stored in my iPod have barely made a dent in it. Hmmm... any suggestions? I do have a couple of e-books that I'd like to put in it but I need to figure out how to do it first.

Anyway, we didn't go out for dinner since he was still on night shift (and he was broke daw, hahaha!) but we probably will this weekend when he's off from work. Our day was a quiet and simple one but it was happy. Life is great and we are blessed.

On a more personal note to my husbo:

Thank you. 

For your patience with my crazy mood swings and for learning how to deal with them even if I drive you nuts sometimes.

For always having my back and for helping me put the things I've done, or do, wrong to right. 

For your generous soul. I may not agree with the recipients of it all the time but I can't fault you your giving spirit. 

For being a great Dada to our son.

For loving me for all that I am and all that I'm not. How lucky can one woman get?

I Love You, Dada. Here's to a lifetime of love, laughter and contentment to us!

Mood Music: This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) by Natalie Cole

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there's always a next time

"No long-term marriage is made easily, and there have been times when I've been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover. And then, in the midst of near despair, something has happened beneath the surface. A bright little flashing fish of hope has flicked silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of love again — till next time. I've learned that there will always be a next time, and that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won't stay submerged. And each time something has been learned under the waters; something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown. The best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed." — Madeleine L'Engle

Our fourth wedding anniversary is coming up in a few days and I couldn't help but relate to the above quote. Marriage isn't something that people just breeze through. I know we don't. No matter how happy or content we may appear, our life is not a fairytale. But, with every fight or rough patch we may go through, we keep going, fueled by our commitment to make it work and our love continues to grow in ways we never thought was possible.

Mood Music: When I'm 64 by The Beatles

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TWO

Years ago, I attended a Christian Sunday service with my cousins. The pastor's talk is something that day has stayed with me through the years. He recounted an experience he had while driving in Europe by himself, aided only by a GPS for directions. The computer would tell him to turn left or right as he drove on his way to a place outside the city. When he reached an intersection, the computer told him to go right but he decided to do an experiment and drove straight ahead. He waited for the GPRS to tell him that he'd made a mistake but it stayed silent so he thought he'd gotten away with duping it. He soon reached another cross road and was about to continue on his way when the computer suddenly instructed, "Make a U-turn".

God is always with us, guiding us. But sometimes we think we know better and instead of making that right turn, we go on the way we think is right. He then sits by and patiently waits for us to realize that we took the wrong road. When that finally happens, He's there to guide us into making a U-turn to get back on the right path, leading us to the place we're supposed to go.

It's our second wedding anniversary today. And thinking back, I realize how J and I went on our own individual ways until we made that U-turn that brought us back together. And here we are, two years later, loving every mad moment of it and hoping for more in the years to come. :o)

And this is what I got when I woke up today instead of the usual "good morning"...

Awwwwwww... I love you you, Sweetie.

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Gift From The Sea

A quote from Anne-Morrow-Lindbergh's book Gift From The Sea.

"...the only continuity possible, in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity, in freedom; in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern... Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits -islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides."

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IT'S IN THE little THINGS…

… your arm around my shoulders.
… your head on my lap.
… singing together.
… a few bottles of beer.
… sharing a pizza.
… a small bouquet of flowers.
… heckling each other.
… talking in the wee hours of the morning.
… a kiss.
… a hug.
… your hand holding mine.
… our son in your arms.
… isaw afternoons.
… a text message letting me know you're thinking of me.

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I'm doing a HAPPY DANCE!!!

He did it. He really DID IT! After several attempts, Je finally, & totally, kicked his smoking habit for good. *wide-as-a-homeplate smile*

Sweetie, I am EXTREMELY PROUD OF YOU. *hugs and kisses*

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we miss you, dada!

Since we wouldn't be spending Christmas together, we celebrated it in advance instead.

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"sibling" rivalry

When Je and I got married last year, one of his aunts warned me that Je wasn't merely my husband… he was going to be my panganay. I just laughed, only half-believing it. But he did become my little boy, specially when we were together in Riyadh. I enjoyed taking care of him even if he did test my patience sometimes.

Then comes a new "man" in my life. Since Thursday last week, when I'm not grabbing some much-needed shut eye, my time is consumed taking care of him. So much so that I don't even have time to upload his latest photos for Dada to see. He finally joked that may iba na akong lalake ngayon at pinapabayaan ko na sya. Harhar. I mentioned it to my mom and she said that there will be moments the hubby will get jealous of Jeolo, whether he'll admit it or not. Well.

I'm hoping I don't turn into one of those women whose lives revolve around their kids, forgetting that they have husbands, too. And vice versa. Hopefully, I'll be able to hit the right balance between being a mother and being a wife because I love them both in equal measure. They're my life.

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Date Night

I had fun last night. The hubby and I went to the mall for some shopping. Actually, I wanted to buy some comfy sneakers for my flight back home at the end of this month. But the ones I liked were all out of my size, grumble, grumble. Why is it that when you have the money to spend the thing you want to buy is either out of stock or there's nothing nice at all? Hubby had no plans of buying anything but ended up with three shoes... three! So not fair! :o/ Buti na lang I eventually found the perfect sneaker that I wanted at Adidas so I ended up smiling again, hehe. Also saw some cute tops and a skirt at Zara but they're all off-limits to me right now which, I guess, is a good thing because I get to save money a little.

We ended the evening with a T-bone steak dinner, yum! But we both ate too much that's why we only went to sleep at 2 am... tired, happy and sated.

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One Year Later...

Wow... I can't believe it's already been one year. There are still days when I look at him and I think, "Are we really married?" Seems unreal sometimes. :o) It's an indescribable feeling to know that my heart has found its home. The mere thought makes me smile. It's also been a year filled with the joys and pains of discovery and adjustment. We have our off days once in a while but it's considerably less now than when when I first came here a couple of months ago. I guess the biggest lesson we've learned so far is that pride is a beast that should be kept in check. But, most of the time, we're just happy, happy, HAPPY to be together as hubby and wifey.

We have a very long way to go and I know there will be bigger hurdles to overcome. And there will also be beautiful moments to revel in and experience. Loving each other, deciding to build our lives with one another, raising a family and growing old together needs a special blessing from the Big Guy above. So, I keep a prayer in my heart that no matter what life brings us, He will always be there to guide us.

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Of Marriage...

Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.


- excerpt from The Prophet
by Khalil Gibran

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His turn

Having a bad cough and not being able to take any aggressive action (read: meds) is the absolute pits. Lucky I have a great nurse. He bought me calamansi, which is hard to come by around here, so I could make juice. He rubs my back and chest with Vicks every night, makes homemade steam inhalation for me, holds me when I have a coughing fit and wishes I could pass this over to him so I won't have to suffer. Sleep has become a luxury for him the last three days because I keep him up at night with my incessant barking, arf, arf! And he hasn't complained at all.

Sweetie, thank you for taking such good care of me. You're the best medicine.

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Ready... set... GO!

They say marriage is the end of romance - it's not. It's the start. He says I love you and I say I love you to him. The good part starts then.... No more wondering, no more maneuvering.... Full of confidence, you start every day with the sole determination to demonstrate your love and bask in his... That's the romance - keeping love joyously alive everyday.  - from the book Funny Accent by Barbara Shulgasser-Parker

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What It's All About

So many of us spend  much of our young lives waiting or looking to find Mr. Right. Some may have already found them and others are right now wallowing in melancholy because the person they thought was the one wasn't.

I've been through the whole rigmarole myself. I was always in the "it-might-be-you" mode with every relationship. The end of each botched attempt found me thinking I was destined to a life filled with drunken nights and crying myself to sleep. I tried frantically to get a grip on my life and to find out what kept going wrong. I finally figured it out… well, sort of and I relaxed. I stopped worrying and just kept the faith.

Then God finally gave me what I'd been asking for so long, from someone I'd never expected to come back into my life in that way. And now, everything's just perfect.

By perfect, I don't mean that our life and our relationship is without flaws. We have our squabbles and we can grate each other's nerves sometimes, we fight and have our little cold wars. But our kind of perfect simply suits us. I love him and he loves me… warts and all.

Whatever our reasons are for being with someone, we should be sensible enough to accept that it's not all wine and roses or chocolate and jewelry. We shouldn't allow ourselves to be swept away by all the exhilaration of falling in love, of having our first & last call, or text message, of the day, the conversations over dinner, a confidante to share our woes with, someone who fills the emptiness we feel.  If we believe that is what it's all about then… good luck.

Marriage has changed my perspective on a lot of things. I know now that love is real even without the chocolates & flowers, the candlelight dinners & marathon lovemaking… or through the arguments & mood swings, the stinking farts (ututino!) and morning breath… or with the kisses and hugs and the taking me to the ER at 1 am 'coz I'm having an asthmatic bout or getting up at noon after doing night duty just to cook for me 'coz I'm too lazy to get up and do it myself.

For me, that's what it's all about. That's love.

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The ONE

It’s February and thoughts turn to love. My previous post wasn’t the mushy, head-in-the-clouds read you’d usually expect on Valentines. I guess my friend’s situation pretty much got to me. And it still has me thinking until now. We’re always talking about the “ONE”. The one person meant to fill the emptiness, the one person to make everything all right, the one person who fits you perfectly. Personally, I’ve always believed in it. That there was someone out there God meant just for me. And I kept believing until the day he came into my life.

However, my belief evolved over the years. With the help (?!?!?!) of a few broken relationships, I realized things weren’t that easy or clean cut. No man was going to come along, sweep me off my feet and carry me off into the sunset. Playing damsel in distress and waiting around for someone to save me wasn‘t going to work. There’s no such thing as Mr. Right… that idealized version of a man that we carry around (one slip-up and he‘s done for!). Your soul mate doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s “it”. But knowing when to let go was the hardest lesson of all. We all have this tendency to hold on to our past because we were happy then. And we think that if only the other person would realize that, everything would turn out fine. It took me a long time before I finally grasped that I was selling myself short. Another lesson: I didn’t love myself enough. So I let go (though my heart was a little slow on the uptake) and concentrated on enjoying life and not worrying about finding the right person for me. Patience was something else I imbibed. And when I did, the one I let go of came back to me. But things were different now because he’d also had his own epiphanies and now he knew what he really wanted. And that’s how I found my one (or he found me).

I do believe that God has someone for everyone but it doesn’t mean that he or she is going to drop down from heaven into your waiting arms. It doesn’t mean that that person’s going to be your perfect match. We’re all flawed, one way or another. It’s still up to us to make that person the right one for us. Love isn’t merely a feeling… It’s a decision. A resolution to love that person, warts and all.

But then, that’s just me.

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