Catholic guilt

This is something that I struggled with beginning in elementary school up until I was around 30. I was enrolled in a Catholic school back then where we had Religion as a subject, we observed all the saints' days, greeted each teacher at the beginning of class with "Praise be Jesus and Mary...", were taught to believe that the Pope was infallible, that attending mass every Sunday was my obligation as a good follower of the church, and much more.

I remember believing most of the things that I was taught but certain practices always niggled me such as praying the rosary because I recalled a passage in the Bible that said something about not using meaningless repetition in prayer and here we were saying the Hail Mary over and over again. I tried to understand and feel every word of it but, after a while, my attention would wander and I'd just be automatically uttering the words, wishing every moment to hear the litany begin because it meant it was almost over. I always felt guilty after because I'd been a bad girl.

I also couldn't understand why people would kiss/rub their hands or hankies on or pray to the statues/images of Jesus, Mary and the other saints. I'd be thinking "Yuck... germs!" but I tried to be the devout Catholic girl and followed suit. I harbored a sense of distrust towards priests. I recall seeing one of the monsignors having a shouting and cussing match with one of our male teachers and it stayed with me. I guess, at that time, I expected them to be perfect and didn't realize that they were merely human although the "practice what you preach" phrase would've applied to that situation quite well.

My parents weren't particularly devout but I always felt that they had great faith. My dad used to make sure that we went to mass every Sunday but he eventually became very disenchanted with Catholicism and no longer joined us but he never stopped believing. Soon, I was going to mass by myself.

In college, I felt a strong desire to be closer to God and wanted to join spiritual youth organizations to help me find that connection but ended up not joining any because the moment someone would hint that it was also a good place to meet boys or be near a crush, it would put me off totally. Thinking back, I know their agendas shouldn't have stopped me from being  a part of the group but when you're younger, you tend to do what everyone else is doing so I decided to remove myself from it. 

Fast-forward to my mid-20s when I thought and felt that there were so many things that I disagreed with regarding the Catholic church's dogma. I disliked how hypocritical they could get and how they meddled with state affairs. There were many questions that plagued me about my religion but I kept my thoughts to myself most of the time because I was ashamed of them. 

Yet, it was during this time that I found what I'd been searching for. I meditated, I prayed and finally felt the connection that I'd longed for. I didn't care if my more pious friends called me out for not going to mass with them on Sundays, saying I should give God some of my time. What "time" when we'd all be whispering to each other during the service about how our week had gone?

Now that I'm in my thirties, I've finally learned to overcome my Catholic guilt. I'm not hesitant anymore about disagreeing or questioning its tenets. I no longer feel bad about not going to church on Sundays. I do go when I can and, when I do, I make sure that I'm really there. I don't feel guilty about not having gone to confession in 10 years because I don't believe that a thousand Our Fathers can cleanse me of my sins. 

What I do believe in is having faith. Believing that there is a higher power who guides us all. I've experienced too many miracles in my life to doubt God's existence. I believe that giving Him my time doesn't mean I have to be in church to do it. Every moment of my life can be given to Him as long as I'm living it the way He has taught. I believe the general principles that the Bible teaches about love, forgiveness, doing good and avoiding what is not even though I have my questions about the book itself. I believe that religion and morality are two different things. And, I believe that before any of us can start trying to save someone else's soul, we should all take a good look at ourselves first and start right there.


Mood Music: Amazing Grace by Andre Rieu